Thursday, August 19, 2010

Because You Can Never Offend Too Many People at Once...

So because I'm vagrantly low and hopefully also productive at the same time, I may advertise a site called Jaydis now and again. Jaydis is an RP site I'm staff of. Nothing to throw a fit over, but I started this last night when I was binging on Coke (the drink, not the illegal substance... what's wrong with you?), chocolate-lemon cake (which I made... it was awesome) and sleep deprivation.

Apparently, sleep deprivation leads to a lot of things. Bad things. Things you look at the next morning and think 'OH GOD, WHAT WAS I THINKING?!' You don't know. You don't remember things like that.

So once in a while I may post one of these randomly... or several. I have several lined up from earlier tonight. But I'm gonna post the two best. If you're curious, click the provided link and look up the characters. It will make total sense, I promise you.

Oh, and I swear. A lot. If this offends you, I'm sorry, but the filter doesn't work on my mouth when I'm drunk on tired.



The Arcaltris Portinari Survival Guide:


Step One; Meet Arcaltris. Not too hard, right?



Step Two; Be intimidated, but act as if you're not. If he doesn't see through your proverbial bullshit, proceed to step three. If he does, proceed to step seven.


Step Three; Feel confident. Start talking more. If he approves, proceed to step four. If he doesn't, proceed to step seven.


Step Four; Start getting bold. Ask questions instead of answering them. If you ask something inappropriate by accident, proceed to step eight.


Step Five; Find that you're starting to like Arcaltris. If you start asking more personal questions, hoping to get to know him better, go directly to step eight.


Step Six; See Arcaltris is growing bored. Try to get him engaged in the conversation again. Fail. Proceed to step seven.


Step Seven; Panic. You have two options; leave the conversation gracefully by lying your ass off, or start babbling. If you babble, proceed to step eight.

Step Eight; Fetal position. It never fails. He will see you're pathetic and leave and never bother you again. If you fail to take the warning and do step eight, proceed to step nine.


Step Nine; Piss Arcaltris off. Proceed to step ten.


Step Ten; Find Arcaltrs does not have a sense of humour. Proceed to step eleven.


Step Eleven; Attempt step 8 when he fixes his murderous glare on you. If you fail at step eight, proceed to step twelve.

Step Twelve; You're fucked. You should have tried step eight when you had the chance.
 
 
 
A Guide to Survive a Gabriel Ozera Encounter:
 
Step One;



Perform all following steps carefully. If you don't, you're fucked. You might be fucked either way, but there's a statsitically trackable difference, and a large increase in the percent likelihood that you will survive. If you choose to ignore this, proceed to step thirteen and be well.


Step Two;


Avoid if you can. I know trying to avoid Gabriel is like trying to avoid a cold when you have a really weak immune system, but you can always try, right? Boring dreams are a good repellant; keep your dreams boring, and you might avoid his attention. If you're not this lucky... well, you're not a very lucky person, are you?


Step Three;


Encounter. Yes, you were the unlucky one, and now you have to deal with the shitty stick life presented you with. You didn't get the shit end; the whole thing is coated in excrement, to the point where you can't even use it as a fucking defense weapon because it's shitty. Literally as well as figuratively. Proceed from here with caution; you don't have a defense, so you're vulnerable.


Step Four;


WARNING: Do not fall for his seemingly angelic appearance! This is a death trap, and 99% of people fall for it! Be smart and don't fall for it! LIVE! Gabriel is like a dark chocolate cake coated in vanilla icing; his surface is lovely and delicious looking, inside is a bitter concoction of whore and devilish mischief that will assail you much like dark chocolate lays siege to your taste buds with a neverending wave of bitterness. If you'rea woman you're twice as likely to fall for the vanilla outside, and he will change his outer appearance to suck you in. He is a vanilla-coated-dark-chocolate-venus-flytrap-like-contraption that will ensnare and destroy you. Do you get the point now? I hope so. 'Cause that was a delicious metaphor, even if it did end in a really fugly plant. The icing covers that up, did you know that? Be damned if I did.


Step Five;


Way to go; you fell for it. You were lured in by the vanilla frosting. I know it's damned delicious, but seriously, did you have to? Even after all that warning? Never trust anyone who's eyes change colour as often as Skittles do as you take them one by one out of a bag. First blue, then green, then red, then yellow? And then randomly some off shade you don't have a name for? HOW DID YOU LIVE THIS LONG?! Regardless, you're in for it now. You may as well proceed to step thirteen, but I suppose we can go through some of the ways you might pry yourself from this horrible, self-imposed sentence in purgatory. I did warn you.


Step Six;


Try to outwit him. Fail. Face it, with your measely eighteen to 35 years of life under your belt vs. his 800 plus, you don't stand a fucking chance in hell. Revert to step eight if you must. It might amuse him a little.


Step Seven;


Bargain. You don't have much he wants; he's immortal, and is loaded. About the only thing you could offer him that he doesn't have is you, and if you'd rather avoid that situation, bargain your ass off, then offer him your ass. This will likely fail as well; again, revert to step eight.


Step Eight;


Fetal position.


Step Nine;


More fetal position, if he hasn't disturbed your silent descent into madness and denial and hope he's now amused enough to leave you alone.


Step Ten;


Be wrong. Fall to his Dream Walker abilities. Proceed to be mind raped. This will likely be followed by actual rape; he's full of whore, remember, and won't be satisfied until every part of you is sullied in some way.


Step Eleven;


Be right. Have a mandatory sex session (rape for you people who can't be bothered to find out what this means). Do not enjoy it. Or enjoy it; it's up to you, but I wouldn't reccomend enjoying it, 'cause he'll come back to haunt you. Repeatedly. Your sanity will suffer more than it has to.


Step Twelve;


Pray he'll go away. Be wrong. Get toyed with more in dream land. Maybe have another mandatory sex session. Who knows? Gabriel likes shit like that. Bribe him with alcohol if you have it handy. It might distract him long enough to make a shameful, but at least alive and slightly still sane escape.


Step Thirteen;


Scarred for life, you're now fucked. In many ways, likely several times. I did warn you, ya know. Why didn't you believe me? Nobody believes the people who turn out to be right. But anyways. Enjoy your scarred, traumatised life. You earned it.


Step Fourteen;


Move far, far, far away. Or kill yourself. But suicide is the pussy way out. Try to live a normal life again. Pray Gabriel never finds you again.


Step Fifteen;


In the most unfortunate of circumstance, he finds you again; repeat steps three through fourteen until you die, or he gets bored, or you manage to get away. Don't count on the third option.


Apparently I'm a little obsessed with the fetal position... but it does accomplish quite a bit. I'll get around to posting something about myself when I have the ability to think beyond 4 seconds into the future, and 30 seconds into the past. My coordination is also failing; being up for 30 hours does that to someone.

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